It was my birthday yesterday, the day started with me jumping on the scale, after a couple of weeks of being pretty good, I was confident that it would display a happy number…………I gained a pound! I was gutted…frustrated….why? The rest of the day I kept to myself as I reflected on my age, and my weight. Many of my loved ones and dear friends left beautiful heartfelt birthday messages but I couldn’t respond right away. Can’t explain why but I think I really needed to get myself into a better mental state. I went for a long walk, and my mind was swimming, saturated with so many thoughts and feelings. Feelings I needed to harness and write down. It is therapeutic for me to do so, hence this blog. But anyway, I kept thinking about that number…those numbers…..your age, your weight….your followers, your “friends”…..Enough! You are not that number! I am not that number!
Age- so what! Who decided that we should act, look and feel a certain way when we are 30, 40, 50, 80! Once again it is probably culture, society, marketing….who cares…I want to always be me, always feel alive, always be open minded, always be relevant but real. I want to be at the point that I am proud to say how old I am because I don’t look it and I am proud to be someone who is original, funky, true to myself and genuine! I will be honest, when it comes to age, I almost feel that, I am almost there. I believe that is why I have begun this journey. I am eager and excited to learn new things, I am open to change, I am not afraid of it and my arms are wide open to embrace who I am now, who I feel deep down I am…and I don’t care what anyone thinks. It is not to late to find yourself, or go back to who you were. It is not to late to discover what ignites you, for me it is yoga, spiritual learnings, balance of passions, meditation ect…For me this is not a trend. I do only wish I had discovered it earlier but hey…I am only 52, it is not to late!
Followers/friends-who cares! Won’t have much to say about this because it is simple….true friends will not judge, condemn and criticize. They will support, lift up and celebrate! Those are the ones you keep, those are the ones who stick around. Followers? Again, who cares, I want followers who agree, relate, and support and most importantly I do not do what I do or write what I write for others, (if I inspire, I am thrilled) but I do it for me!
Weight- the toughest one. I have battled with this all my life and probably will forever. Although nothing would make me happier then to finally be at peace with that, with me. Once again it is just a number…it does not reflect that I am a strong, successful, inspirational, beautiful woman,(words my loved ones use). When it comes to weight I really wonder if I will ever be happy, if many of us will ever be. I look back at when I was my lightest and I remember thinking I still wanted to lose a another 10. But I have to admit, I felt fabulous. But fast forward 10 pounds heavier and I remember hating myself, less photos, less confidence. Now 20 pounds heavier and I would do anything to be that 10 pounds heavier, 10 pounds ago. I was just never happy no matter what number I was at. I look at myself back in those photos 10, 15 pounds ago and I remember at the time hating how I looked. I see them now, and I think I looked great and I wish I could see that again now. Before I got on that scale yesterday I was feeling good, feeling positive, feeling strong because of changes, changes in health, changes in spirit, changes in strength. Then that number seemed to change everything…for a moment..until I realized. I AM NOT THAT NUMBER!
But here’s the thing, it will not be easy to change my mindset, it is, as I say, part of this journey. And, the past journey plays a part in why I think and feel this way to begin with. I grew up with a mother who always showered us with love and compliments and we never witnessed her give that to herself. I believe I still have never heard my mother say that she believes she is beautiful and amazing. It is still a challenge for her to even accept a compliment. My father was great at letting her know he loved her to the moon and back and thought she was beautiful but she never thought that and I saw this. So that did not help my feelings of myself. That’s not all though, years and years ago I had a pretty major surgery that left me scarred and disfigured and although many people do not see it, I do and it definitely left me with some issues. Issues I am still trying to deal with. Now don’t get me wrong, so many beautiful and wonderful things have contributed to who I am and what I think as well. I continue to be blessed by amazing friends, co workers and family. I have had a good life and I have few regrets. In the end…I hope to never care or dwell on my age and my weight….it does not reflect who I am, what I have accomplished, how I make people feel, how I inspire, how I live my life. It is just a number and I am not that number!