I haven’t shared in a while. Seems as if when I am facing a new challenge or embarking on a new journey, it is hard to juggle all the other things in life. Because of course there are things that can never go on the back burner like family, friends and work, but as usual, those personal priorities take the back seat. Truthfully, I really could not wrap my head around all of it and stubbornness and conflicting importances can sometimes overwhelm.
But now I am feeling congested….with thoughts, whirlwinds in my head. Conflict, wonder and doubt taking up vacancy and causing me to …feel agitated…disappointed and unsure. But also hopeful….because writing again, thoughts coming on paper….is always therapeutic and necessary. Purging…..getting rid of the confessions and realizations before it changes who I am.
This blog has always been about getting healthy, self love and inspiration. But it also needs to be about self realization and discovery, even if it is not always positive. So time to write shit down and figure shit out!
10 months ago I embarked on a health journey that was mostly about plant based eating. My best friend had inspired me through her spirit and encouragement as well as her success so I thought I would give it a go. I had recently begun taking blood pressure meds and was struggling with 15 to 20 pounds that I did not really need to lose but wanted to. I embraced the Vegan food and followed a somewhat strict plan that included no added sugar, salt or oil. But I tried it, because honestly, I love a challenge, and I lost weight and felt pretty good. I am a big time foodie and love to cook and eat everything but I took this as a great opportunity to broaden my culinary skills. For the most part I enjoyed it but I always made it clear that I would still never do it 100%. I had no interest in completely cutting out dairy and my Mom’s homemade Portuguese sausage stuffing at Christmas would always be an indulgence. Also I never wanted to be someone who struggled with food at restaurants or dinner at friends. I learned a lot from it and don’t regret a thing but now comes the conflict in my head, in my heart, in my soul. I need to figure it out, because this is not it for me. And that is hard for me to say because it feels like failure, but it isn’t. It’s not failure but possibly just part of discovery. Now, I say discovery but that is not because I do not know who I am or what makes me tick. I do…but we are always evolving, learning and discovering new things, things that make us happy, better or healthier. Now, overall I am happy, and quite honestly, I am not unhealthy but I need to be better. Better at self love….self care…. in my soul, but mostly in my head! Yup…in my head, where shit goes to play games, where doubt, fear and self loathing goes. Where I tell myself I need to be skinnier, need to be prettier. That’s it really….those two things that torment me every day. Everything circling around that…say it…face it! I can not accept what I see and am always on the quest for that thing that will click in me, that thing that says..you are beautiful….just the way you are…will I ever get it? So that is why I venture on these paths, to try and figure out what will work for me, for who I am. At the end of the day I still need to be who I am. …………And I am not a vegan….now vegetarian maybe….through this I definitely know that meat will never be a big part of my diet. I don’t miss it that much and I am fascinated with the concept of Buddha bowls and all you can do with lentils, beans and veggies. So maybe at the end of the day I need to just face that I may have tried one thing that I am not able to do but through it I discovered that I can do something else.
AND….that’s ok….part of the journey is trying new paths, seeing where they will go and turning around when it isn’t where you wanted to end up. It is not failure, it’s just not your journey…your discovery…..or sometimes you do discover something else about yourself…….and that is for the next blog post.